


Just Let Me Hold You Close

by Matchaccino



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Cuddling, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, just lots of cuddling tbh, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 09:23:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14210100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Matchaccino/pseuds/Matchaccino
Summary: Taeyong wished he was the one holding Johnny in his arms instead, the image of the other man silently crying in the middle of the night still haunts him.OrJohnny is not okay and Taeyong wants to be there for him.





	Just Let Me Hold You Close

Being a leader was never easy.

Having that title means constantly being in the spotlight, taking responsibility, and guiding your members. Taeyong had people telling him that he's doing a great job especially for someone his age, praising him for being a great leader and entertainer. It's flattering and he's sincerely thankful for it, but sometimes those aren't enough to give him the push he needed. It's exhausting and he could easily lie to the public but not himself.

God knows how long he could stay sane without Johnny. They're the same age, but Taeyong could rely on him like a big brother. Johnny had told the leader from the very start that he can always count on him when things get hard and Taeyong knew he could trust Johnny's soft eyes and warm smile.

Even his presence alone is comforting, Johnny could just stand there and Taeyong would feel safe. Taeyong wasn't very good at public speaking and he would steal glances at Johnny. The taller man would notice, laugh at him and tell him to look at the camera instead but Taeyong couldn't help it. 

Going on stage is not always easy either. They're entertainers and this is what they do for a living but the nervousness never leave that easily. Taeyong is not an exception. He always distract himself by reassuring the others even though he himself doesn't feel any better. Johnny would be the only one who noticed, giving the leader a pat on the shoulder or interlocking their hands, small gestures to calm his leader's heart.

Taeyong felt safe, knowing Johnny is always there to give him the push he needed. As much as he's guilty admitting it (since he knows his members are all kindhearted people who cares deeply for him, which he's really grateful for) no one does a better job than Johnny. 

Johnny, with a heart bigger than any of them, with bright smiles and sincere words and hugs that are sometimes a little too tight but could make anyone feel like home. Taeyong had fallen for him, finding himself wanting Johnny's affection more and more. Then they became roommates and Taeyong couldn't be any happier. it's nice to have Johnny to come back to, a kind smile greeting him in their shared room. Their late night chats sometimes end up with Johnny having to calm down a crying Taeyong, and the leader would melt into the comfort of Johnny's embrace. 

Eventually Taeyong learned the little things about Johnny as they grew closer (he's aware that the fans calls them the mom and dad of the group and is secretly fond of it). He also noticed that Johnny is the type who puts other before himself and while Taeyong adores him for that, he would lecture Johnny telling him to take care of himself as well. The other would brush it off, reassuring Taeyong that he's fine and thanking him for his concern. Taeyong finds it unfair how Johnny isolates himself, bottling up all this problem while trying his best to support other people. 

Taeyong wants Johnny to trust him, and his feeling is so strong that this almost has nothing to do with his responsibility as a leader. He wants to be there for Johnny, being his pillar of support as well. 

•••

Taeyong was writing lyrics when the door to their room swung open, and Taeyong looked up from his notebook to see his roommate on the other side. Johnny looked surprised, but his expression immediately softened. 

"You're awake."

"I was waiting for you." Taeyong smiled. Johnny smiled back with a hint of worry on his eyes. 

"I appreciate that but you really shouldn't. It's late and we all know you need rest more than I do." He closed the door slowly and settles down his bag on the floor. 

"We all equally deserve a good rest Johnny. And I couldn't sleep earlier so it's fine, really." 

"You couldn't sleep?" Of course that's the thing that piqued Johnny's interest (or more precisely, concern). "Are you okay? Do you need anything to help you sleep?"

Taeyong chuckled. "Maybe you should go shower and then we could rest together, yeah?" He patted Johnny's back, gently pushing him towards the bathroom. Johnny playfully leaned back, pushing his weight on Taeyong. They both giggled as Taeyong struggle to push Johnny back up. "Stop being so difficult!"

"Alright, alright" Johnny says, "I'll be right back."

 

Taeyong's slowly opened his eyes, trying to get used to the darkness. The streetlights peeking in through the gaps in the blinds being the only source of light, a faint white glow. He doesn't usually wake up in the middle of the night over nothing so this is new. 

He found himself staring at Johnny's back, peacefully sleeping facing the wall. The poor young man too tall for the bed, making him have to fold his legs. Taeyong wonders if it's actually uncomfortable. His shoulders moves in sync with his breathing, slow and steady. 

Until it isn't. 

Johnny's shoulders are suddenly shaking, his body slowly curling up. Taeyong thought that maybe Johnny is feeling cold, and just as he's about to ask him if he's okay Taeyong could hear faint sniffles. 

He froze. 

Taeyong could only watch as Johnny desperately tries to cry quietly, his heart beating fast in his chest. He had never seen Johnny cry out of anything but happiness before. For once he's not sure what to do. So he just lie there, watching his friend break down for the first time on his life. 

The next morning he woke up to Johnny smiling at him, eyes still puffy. He had to pretend that nothing happened, pretend that he didn't notice Johnny in a miserable state. There's nothing he want more than to confront Johnny right away, forcing him to talk his heart out. But instead he got out of bed, preparing himself before waking up the other members. 

He wasn't able to bring up that topic for the rest of the day.

•••

It's one of their rare day off and Johnny and Taeyong decided to just stay at their dorm. They were both minding their own business in their room, Taeyong watching a ghibli movie on his laptop and Johnny absent mindedly scrolling on his phone. 

Taeyong suddenly felt his bed shift and he turned to see Johnny sitting next to him. 

"Can we sleep together?"

Taeyong paused the movie and looked up to meet Johnny's eyes. 

"Haven't we been doing it all this time? We're roommates, Johnny."

"No, I mean.." Johnny gestured to Taeyong's bed. "Together. Here. If you don't mind of course."

Taeyong raised his eyebrow, bewildered by the sudden request. 

"It's starting to get cold recently" Johnny reasons, "And I used to do that a lot with my past roommates. I didn't know how but it became a habbit. I just, uh, like it because it feels really nice and all? But again, if you don't want to then we don't have to and we can forget I ever said anything." He kind of rambled, which is very unlikely for him to do. Taeyong can't help but giggle. 

"If you promise not to squeeze me to death then sure, no problem." Taeyong smiled and put his laptop away, his movie marathon can wait. He lies down, patting the empty side beside him. 

"I could use some cuddling right now, come here."

Johnny lied down, carefully positioning himself so both of them could fit on the bed (being a six foot giant and all). He tentatively placed his hand on Taeyong's hip, pulling him closer. "Is this okay?"

"Yeah." Taeyong snuggled closer to Johnny, placing a hand on his chest. The leader closed his eyes, feeling Johnny's chest rise and fall along with his heartbeat. The room is so quiet that Taeyong can hear each breathe with ease. He can feel Johnny's arms tighten around him, pulling him into an embrace. 

Taeyong felt safe but he wished he was the one holding Johnny in his arms instead, the image of the other man silently crying in the middle of the night still haunts him. He thought to himself that maybe by holding him close Johnny could feel better. If it were the other members Taeyong could easily make them talk, but this is Johnny. The strong Johnny who's always there, the Johnny with a shoulder for anyone to lean on, for Taeyong especially. There's an unfamiliar hesitation that washes over him everytime he tries to bring it up, and he reprimanded himself for it. 

His train of thoughts stopped when Johnny's arms felt heavier around him as his body goes limp. He carefully looked up to see a half asleep Johnny, mouth slightly gaping open and breathing slowly. Taeyong had to resist the urge to coo at him, not wanting to wake him up. He traced over the dips and curves of Johnny's face as gently as possible before resting his hand on Johnny's cheek. The taller nuzzled to his hand, a smile creeping onto his face. 

Eventually Taeyong's eyelids grew heavy and he lets himself rest without a care in the world. 

(Later that night he woke up to the sound of sobs and hiccups, feeling the other's chest rise and fall in a broken pace. Johnny hugged him so tight it's hard to breathe. He despised how, yet again, his body refused to move and his words stuck at his throat. 

After what felt like an eternity, Johnny's breathing became steady and his body goes limp again. Taeyong swallowed the urge to cry, cursing himself for not being able to do anything.)

•••

They never slept alone ever since, even if Taeyong is already asleep by the time Johnny comes home he would lie next to Taeyong and cuddle him.

It could've been perfect if he doesn't have to listen to the other cry while holding him tight.

Taeyong had tried to count, and he failed. He would breathe a sigh of relief if he wakes up in the morning, knowing Johnny didn't cry that night and that he (hopefully) slept well. But the crying happened more often, and the nights he could count are the nights when Johnny doesn't try to muffle his sobs as he leaned on Taeyong's head.

Taeyong can't bear it anymore. He decided enough is enough.

Johnny didn't come home late today but he still looks exhausted. He was sitting on the couch, a half asleep Jaehyun leaning against him as they both absent mindedly watch whatever kdrama was airing on the television.

"Johnny," Taeyong placed a hand on Johnny's shoulder to get his attention. "I'm going to bed first, call me if you need anything okay?"

"Mmkay." Johnny held Taeyong's hand, rubbing circles with his thumb. "I'll join you in a bit."

Taeyong walked into their room, turned off the lights and lie down on his bed.

Now what?

He haven't think this through, he had no idea how to handle him. Should he just bring it up as soon as Johnny enter the room or should he wait for the right opportunity? When is the right opportunity anyway, when he started crying?

The door creaked open and Taeyong immidiately closed his eyes, pretending to be asleep. He felt the bed shift as Johnny lied down beside him. Taeyong snuggled closer until his shoulder touched Johnny's chest and Johnny placed a hand over his waist.

"Taeyong." Johnny whispered close to the leader's ear. "Are you awake?"

Taeyong hummed in response, eyes still shut. "Do you need anything?"

Johnny didn't answer. Taeyong turned around to meet Johnny's eyes. Johnny was looking everywhere but Taeyong's eyes. He slowly gets up, tugging Johnny's arm to make him sit as well.

"Is there anything wrong?" Tough question there mister obvious.

"I..." Johnny bit his lower lip, still not looking to Taeyong's eyes.

"Johnny. You know you can always talk to me."

"I know."

"Do you not trust me?"

Johnny's eyes widened. "No! Of course not.."

"Then look at me."

Taeyong cupped Johnny's face, gently turning it to his direction. Slowly Johnny looked up, and they silently stared into each other's eyes for what felt like an eternity before Taeyong broke the silence.

"I care about you, Johnny. Even more than you think." He gently stroked the other man's cheek, feeling him relax to Taeyong's touch. "I know something's bothering you and I'm such an idiot for not confronting you any sooner but please talk to me. It hurts me to see you like this."

Johnny sighed as he closed his eyes, holding Taeyong's wrists.

"So you did notice.. I should be the one sorry."

"For what? Worrying me? You can make it up by letting me know what's bothering you."

Silence.

"Johnny.. Youngho, please."

Taeyong could feel his hand getting wet with tears. He let go of Johnny's face, pulling him into his arms instead.

"I'm sorry," Johnny's voice was small and breaks halfway through. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Taeyong loosens his arms a little to plant a kiss on Johnny's forehead. "I'm here and you'll be okay."

Johnny buried his head into the crook of Taeyong's neck as if he wasn't taller and much broader than the other, a shuddering sob gasped into the side of his neck, arms winding tight around him.

He mumbled something about not being good enough and not belonging here. Throughout it all Taeyong held him close, whispering comforting words and wiping his tears. After a while Johnny had calmed down, still leaning onto Taeyong.

"Feeling better?" 

"Yes." Johnny pulled away, distancing themselves a little. "I'm sorry you had to see me like that."

"Not done apologizing, are you?"

"I'm sorry."

Taeyong sighed. Johnny looked at him apologetically.

"Please don't bottle up your emotions anymore." Taeyong says in a serious voice. "You have me. I'll always be here if you need me."

"I know." Johnny smiled, and for the first time in a while it looked genuine. "I hesitated because I don't want to seem unreliable. You're everyone's strength and I promised myself to protect you so I..." Johnny looked away, guilty. "You know."

"Hey." Taeyong took the other's hand, intertwining it with his. When his eyes were locked with Johnny's he continued. "I just want to return the favor. You don't have to protect me all the time, we have each other's back." 

Johnny grew silent, their eyes still locked with each other. Johnny's hand moved away from their interlocked hands to Taeyong's cheek. He leans in, letting his forehead rest against Taeyong's. 

"Thank you." Johnny said, barely more than a whisper.

Taeyong had no idea who leaned in first but all he could feel next was lips on his own. It was slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. Johnny's hand rested below Taeyong's ear, his thumb caressing the other's cheek as their breaths mingled. 

"I've always wanted to do this." Johnny chuckled, his voice low and husky. Taeyong smiles, his heart fluttering at Johnny's voice as he clasped his hand on either side of the other's face, leaning in for another kiss. He lies on his back as Johnny matches his body form. He ran his fingers down the other's spine, pulling him closer until there was no space left between them and he could feel the beating of Johnny's heart against his chest. They pull apart and open their eyes. They stare deep into each other's eyes, a wide smile creeping onto both of their faces. Johnny leaned in to peck Taeyong's lips once again, before letting himself fall to the leader's side and pulling him close.

•••

Taeyong didn't wake up in the middle of the night due to muffled sobs and sniffles, instead he woke up the next morning to a warm lips pressing against his. Taeyong opened his eyes to see Johnny's face merely inches away from his, hair an absolute mess and cheeks puffy from sleep and a sweet smile on his face.

"Good morning."

**Author's Note:**

> It has been two years since i last published a fic so I'm sorry if this is a bit weird. I love Johnyong to bits and i wanted to write Taeyong comforting Johnny since it's usually the other way around in fics hahah. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it!


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